Not Another Mobile Phone Blog

The Bhajji episode has died down, he is not playing the Third test at Perth, I mean he has been rested and India, like a good Samaritan, has taken back their complaint against Brad Hogg, getting inspired from Sanju Baba’s Gandhigiri. I am writing this post with the 3^rd Test going on in Perth, India batted well in their first innings, I mean it was better than what was expected from India and Perth pitch. Australia are batting and they are 5 wickets down for 91 runs, unbelievable. It seems that the recent mind games and racial allegations have charged up the Indian team and the result is what I see now, but, game is remaining my friend, its just the second day of the Perth test and you never know what will happen when India is playing.

In between all this, I got a dream 2 days back where I went to Sydney; this was just after the series of incidents between India and Australia. In my dream I was an interviewer working for a cricket magazine and I was looking for someone in limelight, whom I can interview. While on my way to the hotel where all the cricketing stalwarts were staying I met “THE Man”, who was in midst of the Racial Abuse scandal, I cant name him for obvious reasons. I asked him for an interview, to my surprise, he readily agreed (may be he found this as an opportunity to vent out his anger). Anyways, I was happy, we went to the nearby café, which was called the Banana Café (Vikram’s Trivia: Banana is the favorite food of monkeys). After making ourselves comfortable in the Café my tête-à-tête with “THE Man” started and the conversation went on something like this:
Me: Hello, thanks very much for this short interview, it’s a real pleasure to interview a sportsman like you.

THE Man: Hey Mate!!! No, probs, its my pleasure too. Lets get on with this interview as soon as possible; I have an appointment with my other mates.

Me: Ohh, yeah, sure, don’t worry. By the way what kind of appointment you have?

THE Man: Nah, nothing related to cricket mate, just some hunting and fishing, you know, my favorite timepass.

Me: Hmm, sounds cool. Anyways, so how are you feeling after winning the second test at the SCG?

THE Man: Oh, it feels great mate. After all, our team played like true professionals.

(In the meanwhile, when this was happening, some customers in the Banana Café were making monkey noises. I failed to understand and I looked at THE Man, he was red in anger, which also, I failed to understand. I decided to carry on with the interview)

Me: I can understand how good it feels to be a winner. But, don’t you think that the umpire were pretty harsh with the Indians?

THE Man: No, no…not at all mate, rather they were less harsh, one day before the test started, we were partying with both of the umpires and they promised us that they will look after the Australians in the Sydney Test.

(THE Man looks at me, and winks, I felt like slapping him hard.)

Me: Hmm so you guys bribed them?

THE Man: Some people call it like that mate; you see after all, Punter had to win this test and we were supporting him. After all, when I used to be a cleaner at a local zoo, Punter dropped by and saw my hidden talents, when I was playing cricket with a group of monkeys inside their cage. Punter was impressed and he made sure that I enter the Australian cricket team.

Me: Ohh that’s so nice of him. But who the hell is Punter??

THE Man: Ohh, you don’t know who the F**k is Punter? He is the man of our team, a true professional, a true sportsman, a genuine person, a….


(When THE Man was describing Punter, customers in the Banana Café now started hopping, like monkeys.)

THE Man: I don’t know what’s wrong with these f*****g customers, may be it’s the name of the café that’s making them go crazy.

Me: Ok let’s leave all that monkey business, lets get down to the racial abuse controversy. I hope you don’t mind talking about it.


(I knew this was going to be the most exciting part, THE Man assured that, he wouldn’t mind; I was pretty excited.)

Me: Are you sure that the Indian spinner called you monkey? Or you just wanted to take advantage of the verbal exchanges that happened? As far as I know nobody except you and your teammates heard that word.

THE Man (with grim face): No mate, he didn’t say anything, he said, “F**k U A**hole” but, we just wanted him to frame, as he was making life hell for Punter during batting. And as I have already told you Punter is my Godfather. Hail Punter!!!

Me: That’s real bad man. After that allegation, the ICC and match referees made life hell for that Indian spinner.
THE Man: I told you boy, nobody is big than Punter.

(By this time the customers went berserk, and started shouting, yelling, throwing food at each other. THE Man, was fuming, with some scratching here and there. I was wondering what’s happening to him…some kind of transformation???)

Me: But why monkey???

THE Man: If somebody calls me monkey, I won’t take it, its racial abuse you know. If a friend says, then its fine but, if an opponent realizes me what I am ..then I am sorry mate I am not game for it.

Me: But what is harm in the word monkey, its not racial abuse, I mean it’s just that you are compared to an animal..may be, you look like a monkey. Why you hate the word monkey?

THE Man: What are you saying mate? I don’t like to be called by the name of my species in public. My name is ******s, you know. You call me anything like A**h**e, I***t, I don’t mind but no monkey. I will not take that.

Me: So now as you have agreed that you are a monkey but don’t like when someone calls you by that name, I am interested in knowing why you hate your own species, after all we all are the descendants of monkeys. Why you said that calling you a monkey is racial abuse?

(After his confession the customers at the Banana Café started suddenly reduced their monkey like activities, THE Man was still angry with them)

THE Man: Mate, its like, you don’t call a black man black, you don’t call a monkey a monkey. I hope you get that. This place and the people here are really psyching me out mate, lets get over with this interview.

Me: Ok one last question.

THE Man: Ohh…yeah go ahead.

Me: After all this, do you agree that you are a monkey and calling you a monkey does not come under racial abuse?

THE Man (frustrated): Yeah I am monkey, I am monkey, so what……… call me monkey anytime I wont mind…even my mom calls me Chimp…..I am a F****g monkey….

(last thing I remember THE Man is running haywire inside the restaurant, jumping from one table to another, scratching his back and head.)

May be this interview realized him his true potential as a primate.